Genesis 37-8: Beastly behaviour, onanism

Chapter 37

Verse 1 “And Jacob dwelt in the land wherein his father was a stranger, in the land of Canaan.”

Which is pretty poetic.

But he plays favourites with his sons (“loved some more than others” as Paul Kelly sings in his wonderful mournful dirge “South of Germany").

Verse 3 “Now Israel [Jacob] loves Joseph more than all his children because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours.”

Ah, the technicolour yawn- sorry, overcoat....

Hated by his brothers, but seemingly oblivious (or just insufferably smug?) 17-year old Joseph makes himself even more popular by telling of dreams which are interpreted (by the others? And himself?) of them bowing down to him.

Even his dad is pissed. He tells him to flock off and tend the sheep with his other brothers in Shechem.

He goes “out of the vale of Hebron”,- and it would be nice if more people would do that- and meets a stranger (God again?) who helps him narrow his search.

They see him coming and are going to kill him and frame a “wild beast”, but are moderated by Reuben, who says “nah, get all Saddam on his ass”

Verse 22 “ And Reuben said unto them, Shed no blood but cast him into this pit that is in the wilderness and lay no hand upon him, that he might rid him out of their hands, to deliver him to his father again."

So they do it.

Verse 24 “And they took him, and cast him into a pit: and the pit was empty, there was no water in it.”

But along comes a trader with camels bearing spicery and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt.

And brother Gilead sees a chance to make them some cash from this Ker-azy Scheme, so they sell Joseph to the Ismeelites for twenty pieces of silver.

And Reuben comes back (gone where? Like Pam Landy's sidekick at the climax of Bourne Ultimatum, his absence is unexplained and inexplicable)

Anyway,

Verse 31-2 “And they took Joseph's coat, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the coat in the blood: And they sent the coat of many colours, and they brought it to their father, and said This have we found: know now whether it be thy son's coat or no.”

Which is pretty damn cruel.

Jacob gets it. The language is so poetic- this is why we've plumped for the King James version, ya see...

Verse 33 “And he knew it, and said It is my son's coat an evil beast hath devoured him: Joseph is without doubt rent in pieces. And Jacob rent his clothes and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned his son many days.”

Australians of a certain age will be thinking Azaria Chamberlain. Readers of Barbara Ehrenreich's “Blood Rites” will be going “aha”.

Blood Rites

And Joseph has to learn to walk like an Egyptian.

Chapter 38
Erm, on that cliff hanger, they decide to go for a (comic?) interlude. Nice sense of pacing. No, but seriously, this seems to be an utterly interpolated chapter.

So Judah knocks up a woman called Shuah. It's a shuah thing.

And she has a son named, er... Sorry “Er.” No, really.

And she has another son named... drumroll please... Onan. Some of you will see where this is coming... I mean, going.

And a third son called Shelah. I hope you're taking notes, there's going to be a short quiz next period...

So Judah gets Er a wife, called Tamar.

But there is trouble ahead...

Verse 7 “And Er, Judah's first born, was wicked in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD slew him.”

Which puts Judah's plans for a big family back a bit.

Verse 8 “And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her and raise up seed to thy brother.”

The order seems to be confused here- 'start shagging her, marry her, ejaculate in her'. That's one long public shag. I don't think you'd find a registrant willing to marry a couple coupling...

(Yes, I know the third bit means 'raise the kids as if they were Er's, but that's not nearly as funny.)

Verse 9 “And Onan knew that the seed should not be his: and it came to pass when he went inn unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”

So Onanism, as many a pedant will have pointed out is not a five knuckle shuffle/taking Captain Picard to warp speed/burping the worm/a menage a moi/making love to Mrs Palmer and her five daughters etc. It is coitus interruptus.

And God doesn't like disobedience.

Verse 10 "And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also."

That's my God! Forgiving and compassionate, oh yes.

Tamar, the unimpregnated wife gets told to cool her heels till her brother-in-law (the living one) is grown.

Verse 12 “And in the process of time the daughter of Shuah Judah's wife died, and Judah was comforted and went up to his sheepbearers to Timnath, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite.”

So, close family then...

So Tamar puts on a veil and plays the harlot.

Judah, not knowing who she is says “How much for t'business?”

And she says not just a baby goat but the following as a surety...

Verse 18 “...Thy signet and thy bracelets and thy staff that is in thine hand.” And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him”

No safe sex there then. But Judah completes what sons Er and Onan didn't. Has anyone thought of this as an Eastenders plot? Or maybe for the Bold and the Beautiful??

Judah tries to get his stuff back, but the harlot is vanished... And he says “better keep schtum in case anyone finds out I've been kerb-crawling.

Verse 24 “And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah , saying Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot: and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.”

At which point Tamar brings out the signet and bracelets. And one of Judah's staffs. He still had another, which had gotten him into this mess...

And Judah goes “Yup, my bad. I shoulda had my third son, Shelah, schtupp her.”

“And he knew her no more.” That's not agnosia following a stroke, that's “knew” as in “shagged.”

So after Er and Onan and finally Judah, Tamar gets her reward- twins.

Verse 28-9 “And it came to pass, when she travailed, that the one put out his hand and the midwife took and bound upon his hand a scarlet thread, saying This came out first. And it came to pass, as he drew back his hand, that, behold, his brother came out: and she said How has thou broken forth? This breach be upon thee; therefore his name was called Pharez."

Make a good write up as a case study in the Babylonian Medical Journal...

Scarlet thread boy gets called Zarah, but who was first??

So, more using women's bodies without their consent and weird family dynamics. That's Genesis all over.... Family values? You're having a laugh...