Exodus 30 to 32: Calf Pain and DVT (Deity Vengeance Thuggery)

Exodus 30

More shittim wood. This LORD and his priests have a real altar ego.

Verse 3 “And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, the top thereof, and the sides thereof, round about, and the horns thereof: and thou shalt make unto it a crown of gold round about.”

Yeah, more Ark architecture. Building it sounds more complicated than the proverbial Ikea flat pack...

But then God gets on the blower to Moses

Verse 12 “When thou takest the sum of he children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them: that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them.”

Well, it makes sense, us bloggers think.

Oh, everyone has to pony up half a shekel. And that's a real regressive tax:

Verse 15 “The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.”

Look, this is just a shakedown by the priests. Wise up!!

God tells Moses to get into the oil business, for anointment/atonement purposes

Verse 26 “And thou shalt anoint the tabernacle of the congregation therewith, and the ark of the testimony. And the table and all his vessels, and the candelstick and his vessels, and the altar of incense.”

And God wants patent protection on the brand, against counterfeiters...

Verse 33 “Whosoever compoundeth any like it, or whosoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people.”

I bet they don't stock the following at Tesco's-

Verse 34 “And the LORD said unto Moses, Take unto thee sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum; these sweet spices with pure frankincense: of each shall there be a like weight:” And though shalt make it a perfume, a confection after the art of the apothecary, tempered together, pure and holy:”

Exodus 31

The LORD boasts a bit about all the sub-contractors he's created/employed to get this latest covenant in on time and budget. And then says the following, which will be of interest to anyone ever arguing with a Christian about how all rules in the Bible need to be followed...

Verse 14-5 “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore: for it is holy unto you: everyone that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done: but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall be put to death.”

Work on Sunday. Buy anything on Sunday. And you don't see Monday. Clear on that?

And you know what they say about verbal contracts not being worth the tablets of stone they're written on?

Verse 18 “And he gave unto Moses, when he had made an end of communing with him upon mount Sinai, two tablets of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.”

Exodus 32

But these Hebrews, they're so fickle...

Verse 1 “And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him. Up, make us gods, which shall go before us: for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.”

“Wot”? You what? What means wot? I dinna ken.

Aaron gets the gold together

Verse 4 “And he received them at their hand and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.”

God tells Moses his gang has corrupted itself: 'Thou shalt not have a cow, man'

God says 'behold, it is a stiffnecked people'. Which is kind of funny. Has he diagnosed (or caused?) an epidemic of ankylosing spondylosis?

God is threatening more smiting, and Moses has to talk him off the ledge.

Moses gives some good reasons, with good results

Verse 14 “And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.”

So Moses comes down with the two tablets and sees 'em having a hoe down around the calf

Verse 19-20 “And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.”

Moses blames Aaron, who blames the people.

Verse 26 “Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said “Who is on the LORD's side? Let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves unto him.”

And... erm, am I misreading this??? God goes nuts again.

Verse 27 “And he (Moses) said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate through the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.”

And guess what. No-one bothers to cite Exodus 20: 13 “Thou shalt not kill.”

Verse 28 “And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.”

Holy Fucking Shit. They didn't teach me THAT in Divinity class at Edinburgh House Prep School.

God didn't stop them, God didn't tell Moses to knock it off.

Moses has been leading them astray, and tells them the following day that they've sinned and he's off up to make an atonement. It's a good think rank hypocrisy isn't against the commandments, isn't it Mosey mate...

So Moses tells God (who you'd think knew this already, being omniscient and all, but apparently not).

Verse 31 “Oh, this people have sinned a great sin.... [3000 corpses? Nah] ... and have made them gods of gold.”

And the Lord tells Moses to lead the people away and there will be trouble. Again, not cos of the massacre, but the golden frigging calf.

Unbelievable.

Exodus 10-11: Suckerpunches on the way to Passover

Exodus 10

God isn't even bothering to dissemble

Verse 1 “And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants that I might shew these my signs before him:”

Moses and Aaron warn Pharaoh it'll be the Day of the Locust if he isn't careful.

Verse 7 “And Pharaoh's servants said unto him. How long shall this man be a snare unto us? Let the men go, that they may serve the LORD their God: knowest thou not yet that Egypt is destroyed.”

So Pharaoh haggles with Moses about who can go. Moses says

Verse 9 “...our young and with our old, with our sons and with our daughters, with our flocks and with our herds we will go: for we must hold a feast unto the LORD."

Er, that sounds like pretty much everyone!

Locusts. Lots. Of. Locusts.

Verse 15 “For they covered the face of the whole earth so that the land was darkened: and they did eat every herb of the land, and all the fruit of the trees which the hail had left: and there remained not any green thing in the trees, or in the herbs of the field, through all the land of Egypt.”

Hmm, sounds like western civilisation after one of its periodic (well, perpetual really) land grabs...

Pharaoh relents, again.

The locusts get blown away. But God the nutter ain't done with his fun.

Verse 20 “But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.”

Moses flaps his arms

Verse 22-3 “And Moses stretched forth has hand toward heaven and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days. They saw not one another, neither rose any from his place for three days but all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings.”

Another Moses-Pharaoh negotiation breaks down thanks to the LORD hardening Pharaoh's heart.

All that hardening, his arteries must be well clogged... CABG time...

Verse 28-9 “And Pharaoh said unto him, Get thee from me, take heed to thyself, see my face no more:for in that day thou seest my face thou shalt die. And Moses said, Thou has t spoken well, I will see thy face again no more.”

Exodus 11

God I'm bored. Thank God so's God.

Verse 1 “And the LORD said unto Moses. Yet will I bring one plague more upon Pharaoh and upon Egypt,: afterwards he will let you go hence: when he shall let you go, he shall surely thrust you out hence altogether.”

Moses doesn't even say 'FFS, Bearded Sky Man, cut to the chase already!'

God tells Moses to tell the women folk to borrow jewels of silver and gold from their (Egyptian?) neighbours.

And here's the kicker.

Verse 5-7 “And all the first born in the land of Egypt shall die, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill: and all the first born of beasts. And there shall be a great cry throughout all the land of Egypt, such as there was none like it, nor shall be like it any more. But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel.”

Er, isn't this exactly what Herod does, and gets a (justifiably) bad press for, about 600 pages from now? You can see where he got the idea. It's the double standard in Biblical Scholarship and Commentary I don't like. One law for Roman administrators, another for neurotic Bearded Sky Men. Herman and Chomsky should do a propaganda model study. Medialens should do an alert...

Verse 9-10 “And the LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you: that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt. And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh, and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land.”

Exodus 7-9: Bearded Sky Man still a Needy Nutter

Exodus 7

God tells Moses and Aaron to keep at it but

Verse 4-5 “And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. But Pharaoh will not hearken unto you that I may lay my hand upon Egypt,and bring forth mine armies, and my people the children of Israel, out of the land of Egypt by great judgments.”

Right, here's the deal. Throughout the coming chapters God unleashes plague after plague, Moses keeps going back to Pharaoh, whose “magicians” can mimic most of the plagues.
But why on Earth is God going through this palaver? It's like he's bought a plague-o-matic kit on eBay and doesn't want the Hebrews out of Egypt till he's had a good chance to test out the entire kit. He comes across as an impossibly needy low self-esteem bully for whom NO AMOUNT of worshipping by his followers is enough. Saddo.

Moses and Aaron do the rod-into-serpent trick for Pharaoh. But his wise men and sorcerers do the same.

Verse 12 “For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod, swallowed up their rods.”

Yeah, I saw a movie with a similar theme once.

So God upgrades to stinky water stunt.

Verse 18 “And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink: and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river.”

Following orders...

Verse 20 “And Moses and Aaron did so, as the LORD commanded, and he lifted up the rod, and smote the waters that were in the river, in the sight of Pharaoh, and in the sight of his servants: and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood.”

'Pah', says Pharaoh.

Verse 24 “And all the Egyptians digged round about the river for water to drink: for they could not drink of the water of the river.”

Yeah, just like huge swathes of the planet's population 4000 years later. Progress eh, donchajustloveit...

Exodus 8

Then comes the frog plague. But Pharaoh is underwhelmed because

Verse 7 “And the magicians did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt.”

Still and all, Pharaoh would like the 'phibs to cease and desist, and promises Moses the proles can have time off for religious observance in exchange.

Moses offs the frogs (well, he asks God to),

Verse 14 “And they gathered them together upon heaps: and the land stank.”

But Pharaoh reneges. ALWAYS. GET. IT. IN. WRITING.

So along come the lice, which the magicians can't mimic. And then a swarm of flies.

Verse 25-6 “And Pharaoh called for Moses and for Aaron, and said Go ye, sacrifice to your God in the land. And Moses said It is not meet so to do: for we shall sacrifice the abomination of the Egyptians to the LORD our God: low, shall we sacrifice the abomination of the Egyptians before their eyes, and will they not stone us. We will go three days' journey into the wilderness and sacrifice to the LORD our God, as he shall command us.”

Pharaoh says 'OK, but not too far away'. Moses makes the flies fly.

Silly joke: Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

But, you guessed it.

Verse 32 “And Pharaoh hardened his heart at this time also, neither would he let the people go.”

Exodus 9

So the LORD says to Moses to tell Pharaoh if he keeps playing silly buggers [pots and kettles, bearded sky man, pots and kettles...]

Verse 3 “Behold, the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain.”

Murrain-

1. Any of various highly infectious diseases of cattle, as anthrax.
2. Obsolete. A pestilence or dire disease.

Sounds like biowar to me.

Verse 6 "And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died, but of the cattle of the children of Israel died not one.”

Pharaoh doesn't budge. This is becoming comic by repetition/escalation.

Verse 8 “And the LORD said unto Moses and unto Aaron, Take to you handfuls of ashes of the furnace, and let Moses sprinkle it toward the heaven in the sight of Pharaoh.”

Verse 10 “And it shall becomesmall dust in all the land of Egypt, and shall be a boil breaking forth with blains upon man, and upon beast, throughout all the land of Egypt.”

And here comes needy God again...

Verse 16 “And in very deed for this cause have I raised thee up, for to shew in thee my power: and that my name may be declared throughout all the earth.”

And God says his next trick will be the mother of all hail storms.

Verse 20 “He that feared the word of the LORD among the servants of Pharaoh made his servants and his cattle flee into the houses.”

Moses flaps his arms and,

Verse 24 “So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation. And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast: and the hail smote every herb of the field, and brake every tree of the field.”

I love the smell of napalm in the morning!!

And Pharaoh cries uncle. But Moses is wising up at last and says

Verse 30 “But as for thee and thy servants, I know that ye will not yet fear the LORD God.”

and sure enough:

Verse 34 “And when Pharaoh saw that the rain and the hail and the thunders were ceased, he sinned yet more, and hardened his heart, he and his servants. And the heart of Pharaoh was hardened, neither would he let the children of Israel go: as the LORD had spoken to Moses."

Exodus 3-6: Speechophobia, Zebra Crossings and Industrial Relations

Exodus 3

So Moses is shepherding

Verse 2 “And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.”

Hmm, I hope the LORD is offsetting his apparemissions...

And God says “Yo, Moses”

Verse 7 “And the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which by reason of their taskmasters: for I know their sorrows: And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey: unto the place of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites and the Perizzites and the Hivites and the Jebusites.”

Well, that certainly sounds like a land without people for a people without land...

So God says 'go to Pharaoh and tell him to let you and yours go.'

Moses demures and also says 'what shall I say unto them [the Hebrews]'

Verse 14 “And God said unto MOSES, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.”

Is this like iambic pentameter?

But God sees problems with his own plan

Verse 19 “And I am sure that the king of Egypt will not let you go, no, not by a mighty hand. And I will stretch out my hand, and smite Egypt with all my wonders which I will do in the midst thereof: and after that he will let you go.”

So get your women to “borrow” jewels of silver and gold, as a kind of 'pre-looting'

Exodus 4

Moses says 'they aint' gonna believe me, LORD.' And God says 'check out the magic rod that turns into a serpent when ya throw it in the dirt.'

Moses does it and “Moses fled before it.”

And God says 'pick the damn snake up you numbskull'

And it turns back into a rod.

[Erm, isn't this PROOF, which denies FAITH, and without faith god is nothing and man then goes on to prove black is white and gets killed at the next zebra crossing?]

And God has a leprous hand/not leprous hand stunt for Moses too.
And a blood/water stunt.

And Moses says 'I got public speaking anxiety LORD, I get so tongue-tied. Can't you get someone else for the gig?'

Verse 14 “And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.”

Moses gets leave of absence from Jethro his boss to head back to Egypt.

Verse 21 “And the LORD said unto Moses When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.”

Now, that line is worth re-reading. God is going to take away Pharaoh's free will, thus surely rendering Pharaoh blameless for the shit that hits the fan. So who, really, is to blame for all the deaths to come? That'd be the neurotic Bearded Sky Man, I reckon.

Moses' wife Zipporah seems unhappy, and circumcises her son and said “Surely thou a bloody husband thou art to me.”

Silly joke: Couple at a Relate counselling session, and it's not going well. In desperation the counsellor asks the man. “Well, you two aren't communicating much. Do you talk to your wife while you are making love?” And the man shrugs and says “Sure, my mobile's charged.”

Verse 27 “And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.”

But probably not with tongue.

Verse 29-31 “And Moses and Aaron went and gathered together all the elders of the children of Israel. And Aaron spake all the words which the LORD had spoken unto Moses, and di the signs in the sight of the people. And the people believed: and when they heard that the LORD had visited the children of Israel and that he had looked upon their affliction, then they bowed their heads and worshipped.”

Suckers.


Exodus 5

Aaron and Moses meet Pharaoh, who laughs at them and orders a karoshi.

Verse 6-7 “And Pharaoh commanded the same day the taskmasters of the people and their officers, saying Ye shall no more give the people straw to make brick as heretofore: let them go and gather straw for themselves. And the tale of the bricks, which they did make heretofore, ye shall lay upon them: ye shall not diminish ought thereof: for they be idle: therefore they cry, saying, Let us go and sacrifice to our God.”

This is good old-fashioned management, punishing workers who have temerity to ask for better conditions, to stop them getting ideas above their station. Make them hit higher productivity targets while cutting their wages etc etc. Death by speed up!!

And it's a bad time to be a union steward...

Verse 14 “And the officers of the children of Israel, which Pharaoh's task masters et over them, were beaten, and demanded Wherefore have ye not fulfilled your task in making brick both yesterday and to day, as heretofore.”

And the union bureaucracy blames Moses and Aaron for taking a mildly bad situation and making it worse.

And Moses says to God 'whassup?'

Verse 23 “For since I came to Pharoah to speak in thy name he hath done evil to this people: neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.”

[Moses doesn't get God has a Plan]

Exodus 6

God goes on a riff about how cool he is and all the things he'll do. Frankly a bit embarrassing...

Verse 9 “And Moses spake so unto the children of Israel: but they hearkened not unto Moses for anguish of spirit, and for cruel bondage.”

And God orders Moses and Aaron back to Pharaoh, and there's another family tree for a few verses.

Verse 30 “And Moses said before the LORD, Behold, I am of uncircumcised lips, and how shall Pharaoh hearken unto me?

Good question, given what's coming...

Genesis 19 to 23- Attempted gang rape, nukes, incest, wife-swapping, conspiracy to child murder.

Before we get going, an observation. I knew that this “Bible equals 'family values'” was nonsense, but the behaviour of God's favourites is just appalling.

As Roddy McDowall, playing “Benjamin Fischer” said in the The Legend of Hell House (1973)-

Ann: "What did Belasco do to make this house so evil?"
Benjamin: "Drug addiction, alcoholism, sadism, beastiality, mutilation, murder, vampirism, necrophilia, cannibalism, not to mention a gamut of sexual goodies. Shall I go on?"

As the title of this posting says- Attempted gang rape, nukes, incest, wife-swapping, conspiracy to child murder.

Remind me to post the DR and Quinch Go Straight front page one day where the judge finishes a charge sheet with the line "32 crimes so unusual and horrible they do not have names"

Is there a sin these lot haven't committed yet? Or were these things not sins until the Ten Commandments? Answers to these Theological Conundra welcome, via the comments box.

Chapter 19

Lot's tooling around at the gates of Sodom when two angelic guys turn up. First they want to cruise around the town, but he insists- as later the Romans do of Jesus- on putting them up. But the Sodomites, who infamously punt from the Cambridge end, have other ideas

Verse 4-5 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both young old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know [translation: “fuck”] them.

Lot says nope (good hosts don't let any forced sex take place, regardless of what bits of genitalia are going where. Surely as long there is informed consent between adults it's nobody's fucking business, eh?). The whole sorry mess becomes a bit like one of those siege scenes in a zombie movie. The angels do some blinding and smiting and tell Lot to get outa Dodge...

Verse 13 “For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.

Lot legs it with his wife and two unmarried daughters, (his sons-in-law telling him to piss off.)

More zombie analogies though- there's always that scene where zombie arms burst through windows/doors and start groping the hardy band of survivors!

Verse 16 “And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters: the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city."

The angels (or the Lord?) tell Lot to literally head for the hills, but Lot demures (i.e. disobeys) and heads to a city called Zoar.

Sodom (and Gomorrah) gets nuked. Not that I am a von Danikenian, but it does sound a bit like a nuclear bomb that the angels don't know how to dismantle and they've lost the timer for. The Fourth Protocol of the Elders of Zion, maybe?

And Lot's wife ignores what the Gallaghites told her. And suffers the consequences. And you can imagine one of the daughters saying “Leave her dad, she's NaCled...”

So Lot leaves Zoar, and does go the mountains. And his daughters... gentle reader, you may not want to read it... take turns to get him drunk and shag him to get themselves knocked up.

Huh? WTF? One, if he was so drunk he didn't know what was going on, how did he stay the course? Two, Founder Effect. Three, this is grim grim grim.

Chapter 20

Back to the aged Abram/Abraham. He travels, with family to the kingdom of Abimelech, and... bloody hell, passes his wife off as his sister AGAIN and king Abimelech marries here.

They never told me in Divinity class (I got an A and endured parental teasing) that Abraham was into the wife swap thing- I mean this kind of wife swap, not the tv show. These sorts of allegations should be dogging his good name.

So God tells Abimelech in a dream to knock it off or else

Verse 3 “thou art but a dead man”

And Abimelech says Abraham never effing told him, and anyhow he didn't touch her. God takes the credit for that (so what is the point of the whole effing, or rather, non-effing story, if God already fixed it?) Abimelech is understandably pissed at Abraham for dropping him in it with the Bearded Sky Man.

And Abraham's defence? “It's OK, my wife's actually my half-sister.” Huh? WTF??

So Abimelech's family gets its fertility back.

NB This Sarah must be one hot GILF...(this kind, not this)

Chapter 21

Sarah at a mere 80-something spits out a kid, Isaac.

Hagar, the Handmaid and her son get exiled and “she wandered in the wilderness of Beer-sheba." Typical, it's the men what get the pleasure, the women who get the pain. But God bails Hagar out, and her kid by Abraham gets an Egyptian wife. So that's alright then.

Meanwhile, Abraham and Abimelech are having more carrying capacity problems.

Chapter 22

Another doozy. Abraham is tested by the Lord, sorry “LORD”, who gets him to take Isaac up a mountain in order to slit his throat.

At the last minute the LORD allows for a switch-hitter sacrifice, (there's a burning bush etc).

But how's the kid gonna feel, knowing his dad was gonna slit his throat cos the voices in his head told him to?

Joseph Heller, author of the hilarious but horrifically misogynistic “Catch-22” I think covered this in his novel “God Knows”, which I may get round to reading some day.

Oh, bugger, Chapter 18 got lost in the mix.

The LORD does a house call to Abraham and Sarah, tells her she will get up the duff, and doesn't strike her dead for disbelieving him.
Then the LORD reveals his plan to wipe out Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham demures about killing the righteous along with the wicked (aka "collateral damage") and God lets himself get haggled down to Ten Righteous Men will ensure the city's salvation. Generous chap, that God.