Exodus 30 to 32: Calf Pain and DVT (Deity Vengeance Thuggery)

Exodus 30

More shittim wood. This LORD and his priests have a real altar ego.

Verse 3 “And thou shalt overlay it with pure gold, the top thereof, and the sides thereof, round about, and the horns thereof: and thou shalt make unto it a crown of gold round about.”

Yeah, more Ark architecture. Building it sounds more complicated than the proverbial Ikea flat pack...

But then God gets on the blower to Moses

Verse 12 “When thou takest the sum of he children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them: that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them.”

Well, it makes sense, us bloggers think.

Oh, everyone has to pony up half a shekel. And that's a real regressive tax:

Verse 15 “The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.”

Look, this is just a shakedown by the priests. Wise up!!

God tells Moses to get into the oil business, for anointment/atonement purposes

Verse 26 “And thou shalt anoint the tabernacle of the congregation therewith, and the ark of the testimony. And the table and all his vessels, and the candelstick and his vessels, and the altar of incense.”

And God wants patent protection on the brand, against counterfeiters...

Verse 33 “Whosoever compoundeth any like it, or whosoever putteth any of it upon a stranger, shall even be cut off from his people.”

I bet they don't stock the following at Tesco's-

Verse 34 “And the LORD said unto Moses, Take unto thee sweet spices, stacte, and onycha, and galbanum; these sweet spices with pure frankincense: of each shall there be a like weight:” And though shalt make it a perfume, a confection after the art of the apothecary, tempered together, pure and holy:”

Exodus 31

The LORD boasts a bit about all the sub-contractors he's created/employed to get this latest covenant in on time and budget. And then says the following, which will be of interest to anyone ever arguing with a Christian about how all rules in the Bible need to be followed...

Verse 14-5 “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore: for it is holy unto you: everyone that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done: but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall be put to death.”

Work on Sunday. Buy anything on Sunday. And you don't see Monday. Clear on that?

And you know what they say about verbal contracts not being worth the tablets of stone they're written on?

Verse 18 “And he gave unto Moses, when he had made an end of communing with him upon mount Sinai, two tablets of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God.”

Exodus 32

But these Hebrews, they're so fickle...

Verse 1 “And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him. Up, make us gods, which shall go before us: for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.”

“Wot”? You what? What means wot? I dinna ken.

Aaron gets the gold together

Verse 4 “And he received them at their hand and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.”

God tells Moses his gang has corrupted itself: 'Thou shalt not have a cow, man'

God says 'behold, it is a stiffnecked people'. Which is kind of funny. Has he diagnosed (or caused?) an epidemic of ankylosing spondylosis?

God is threatening more smiting, and Moses has to talk him off the ledge.

Moses gives some good reasons, with good results

Verse 14 “And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.”

So Moses comes down with the two tablets and sees 'em having a hoe down around the calf

Verse 19-20 “And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.”

Moses blames Aaron, who blames the people.

Verse 26 “Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said “Who is on the LORD's side? Let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves unto him.”

And... erm, am I misreading this??? God goes nuts again.

Verse 27 “And he (Moses) said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate through the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.”

And guess what. No-one bothers to cite Exodus 20: 13 “Thou shalt not kill.”

Verse 28 “And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.”

Holy Fucking Shit. They didn't teach me THAT in Divinity class at Edinburgh House Prep School.

God didn't stop them, God didn't tell Moses to knock it off.

Moses has been leading them astray, and tells them the following day that they've sinned and he's off up to make an atonement. It's a good think rank hypocrisy isn't against the commandments, isn't it Mosey mate...

So Moses tells God (who you'd think knew this already, being omniscient and all, but apparently not).

Verse 31 “Oh, this people have sinned a great sin.... [3000 corpses? Nah] ... and have made them gods of gold.”

And the Lord tells Moses to lead the people away and there will be trouble. Again, not cos of the massacre, but the golden frigging calf.

Unbelievable.