Leviticus 18 to 19: At last, loopy Leviticus launches!

Chapter 18

God tells Moses to remind everyone how much He has done for them and all he wants in exchange is unthinking unswerving obedience.

Verse 6-7 “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD. The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.”

Got that, anyone caring for their parents? Let them sit in their shit until the carers arrive... No carers because social services is out of money? Well, your parent is out of luck. Wouldn't want to risk old Lordy's wrath, would we?

Whole long list of people you cannot see naked.

Er, huh?

Verse 21 “And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.”

Ah, here it is, the verse that the homophobes Milk for all it's worth:

Verse 22 (drumroll please) “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

Must have been happening a fair bit though, for them to make a rule about it. Ditto for the bestiality outlawed in the next verses.

And if you don't keep all these rules...

Verse 25 “And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.”

Chapter 19

More orders: No other gods. Peace offerings.

Oh, and here's a bit as important as Ch 18, verse 22

Verse 9-10 “And when ye reap the harvest of your land, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy field, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest. And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the LORD your God.”

Disability Discrimination Act avant la lettre

Verse 14 “Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD.”

No gossiping, dammit

Verse 16 “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD.”

Remember, you gotta keep ALL these statutes.

Verse 19 “Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.”

Death penalty for adultery, so (as my mother says) 'be careful where you dip your wick'

Verse 20 “And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.”

No tats

Verse 28 “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”

No pimping yo daughter

Verse 29 “Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.”

Don't tarry with tarot, and don't go potty about Potter

Verse 31

“Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.”

Be nice to strangers

Verse 34 “But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.”

EU standard measures!

Verse 36 “Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt.”