Leviticus 20 to 22: Insert snarky title here.

Chapter 20

Here's what God's gonna do if anyone is Israel (inc. 'strangers') 'giveth his seed (worships, methinks) Molech:

Verse 3 “And I will set my face against that man, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.”

In fact, you gotta kill him (Commandments be damned I say) or else you and your family will get caught up in God's secondary action (I thought those were illegal?)

Verse 4-5 “And if the people of the land do any ways hide their eyes from the man, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not. Then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people."

If this stuff ever caught on, Amnesty would melt under the workload

Verse 9 “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.”

Verse 10 “And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”

Yep, and a repeat of no homosexuality, no adultery, no bestiality etc etc

And no shagging during that Time of the Month

Verse 18 “And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.”

Keep All these rules and it'll turn out peaceful and socially just, oh yes-

Verse 24 "But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their land, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a land that floweth with milk and honey: I am the LORD your God, which have separated you from other people.”

Chapter 21

Priests sisters don't seem able to marry, though maybe I'm getting this wrong.

Verse 3 “And for his sister a virgin, that is nigh unto him, which hath had no husband; for her may he be defiled.”

And some sartorial 'advice'

Verse 5 “They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.”

Watch out daughters!

Verse 9 “And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.”

And despite the LORD's previous (Ch 19,14), He takes a dim view of anyone less than Aryanly perfect coming into his temple.

Verse 18-21 “For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.”

They get to worship ('eat the bread') but are not welcome at the altar.

And Moses passes all this along.

Chapter 22

More bonkers rules- or rather, repeats of one's I've already done my cod-funny sneering at.

But catch this language.

Verse 21 “And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no blemish therein. Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD, nor make an offering by fire of them upon the altar unto the LORD.”

Beeves? Plural of beef.

Wen? n. (wĕn)

[AS. wenn; akin to D. wen, LG. wenne.]
(Med.) An indolent, encysted tumor of the skin; especially, a sebaceous cyst.

More of the same, rules-wise.

And. Don't. Call. God. Names.

Verse 32-3 “Neither shall ye profane my holy name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Israel: I am the LORD which hallow you, That brought you out of the land of Egypt, to be your God: I am the LORD.”